An Extremely Messed Up Resident Evil 4
by Death by Jello
Summary: Leon and the crappiest treasures? A vending machine in the pueblo? Chief Mendez having the munchies? Magical Hot Dog Powers Mello Yello molotov cocktails? Is Leon in the right area for finding the president's daughter? Find out now! R&R!
1. Messed Up 1

_**Warning: Hey, man. This story contains strong drug use and strong stupidity towards everything that you care and yada yada yada.**_

_**And none of us own Capcom and they're not going to sue us if they find it. So why put the 'I don't own Capcom' crap? It's because you're retarded!**_

**_Must say this: Anything you see in this story that you say has been stolen which has not, is purely coincidental. I don't steal shit, bitches! If you eat my cookies you will have to buy some more cookies for me after the attacking of a leg humping FLUBBER. And then you have to find the FLUBBER._**

**1 outta 1 billion scientists recommend that this proves that a drug user will quit after reading this story. Scientist name: Puff the Magic Dragon.**

**An Extremely Messed Up Resident Evil 4**

**Haywire Codec and Crappy Treasures**

Leon steps into the house after leaving the car. He hears a man coughing loudly and steps into a smoke infested living quarters.

There is a European man hunched over a huge bong and is inhaling the fumes.

"Excuse, me." Leon starts, "Sir?" No answer. Leon walks to the man and pulls a picture of Ashley and catches the man's attention who looks at the picture as if he was about to hump it. "I was wondering if you recognize this girl."

"HAHAHAHAHAAAA! Bitches!" The man says, all villagers in the fic will be speaking spanish but their translation of what they say will be used instead, "That bitch gotta fine ass. Rapida, rapida, rapida." He looks at Leon as he fumbles for the axe in the corner of the room.

"So, have you seen her?" Leon asks.

"Hey, man. Get me that axe so I can hit you with it." Leon grabs the axe and hands it too the man.

The man swings at him and Leon falls over the car sized bong which shatters on the floor to pieces. "NO! MY BONG!" What's going on right now is slowed down to two times slower and the man shouts, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Remember, two times slower, two times slower the talking. He grabs a piece of the bong and sad music comes on, "I LOVE YOU! MR. BONG! YOU WERE MY HERO!"

Times resumes at normal speed and before the man could strike Leon again he passes out, falling onto and breaking through the table.

Leon runs out but the door is shut and scary music begins playing. He looks out the window seeing a truck zip past the house. Then the cops from the car start screaming.

"Oh hell, what is that?"

"It's a truck you idiot."

"But it was going so fast."

"Look it hit us and we're still alive!"

The seconds states in a british accent, "Brilliant!"

"Brilliant!"

"Brilliant!"

"Screw them!" Leons shouts and jumps out the window and does some crazy moves in which only a hippie would find interesting.

Three tripping out villagers attack him with the following in their hands: A cutip, box of chocolate, and a super bouncy ball.

Leon shoots the shit out of them and claims his pesetas but gets the following: A spoon, a straw, and a jar of Flinstone vitamins: Extra trippy. A little message appears at the bottom, "Collect treasure and combine together to get the trippiest thing we don't give a shit about and sell to the merchant."

Leon looks at the items in confusion, "How the hell am I suppose to get money outta this?"

Message appears, "We don't know. You should find out for yourself, you're the one who bought the game in the first place, you dumbass."

Leon walks down the dirt path and saves to the typewriter. Fifty times. Just in case. He runs down the path and ecounters a dog. Not just any dog. It's the Target dog. Completely white with a red bullseye target around his eye.

A phrase appears as he approaches the dog: Lost. Looking for home. Press A to give him a home.

Leon shakes his head and continues down the path. More hippies come and he shoots the shit out of them as well. The items he gets in return are:

A Pokémon ball, a box of Pop-Tarts, a boomerang, a movie ticket to Resident Evil: Apocalypse, a dirty diaper, ear wax, dog fur, a stick, a picture of your mom, a free music download from a Pepsi bottle, some dirt, manure, a grain of sand, a tooth pick, and the Wilson ball from the movie Castaway.

Leon is absolutely pissed. Literally. "Damn, you Capcom. This game sucks. Just wait for the reviews." His Codec stolen from Metal Gear Solid begins beeping. Leon initiates it and gets the following from not Hunnigan.

A man shouts in the most loudest, craziest voice you readers are never going to hear for the rest of your lives, "Latest reviews for Resident Evil 4. The best game of the year! The best storyline of the year! The best characters of the year! The best enemies of the year! The best of the best of the best of the best of the best bestest best of the best! Ebert & Roper give it a 500,000,000,000,000,000 thumbs up! Even though they only review movies, but who gives a hootin' dog shit. Gotta buy the game! Buy it now. Got to buy, buy, BUY. Resident Evil, gotta catch them all!" Codec transmission ends.

"DAMN IT!" Leon shouts smashing his codec on the ground. Suddenly the codec beeps again and Leon picks it up again.

A woman's voice starts with smooth jazz music in the background, "Feel like no one agrees with what you think?"

"Yes that's true," Leon says with a sad piano song playing, "How do know?"

"Is everyone shutting you down, making you feel bad about everything, do you not cherish the things in life. Are you like Keanu Reeves with his monotone voice he uses all through his movies and doesn't show emotion one bit? There is a cure to that."

"There is?" Leon says, "What is it? What do I have to do?"

"Here's the solution." The ladies voice cuts off and is introduced with a man shouting in the most loudest, craziest voice you readers are never going to hear for the rest of your lives, "Then buy Resident Evil 4 today! 23 taxes included! Buy it now! Lost your job, buy it! Wife left you! If you're Leon Scott Kennedy? Buy it! Lost your weiner? Buy it! Got raped in prison by that really strong dude? Buy it! Got coupons that will get the game half price? Too Bad! They've expired! Buy it! In dept 40,000? Don't buy it! Relative died? Who cares? Buy it! You'll see them in heaven! Gotta Buy 'em all! Resident Evil!"

Leon runs off passing the lady with the pitchfork in her face. He takes a closer look at it. It appears to be a huge giant blunt shoved in her mouth.

A few more minutes of passing through more fields of marijuana, Leon approaches the village gates. Instead of the Los Illuminados insignia enscribed into it, a smiley face is carved in with the following words underneath it: The Village, buy the DVD today.


	2. Messed Up 2

_**Warning: Hey, man. This story contains strong drug use and strong stupidity towards everything that you care about and yada yada yada.**_

_**Must say this: Anything you see in this story that you say has been stolen which has not, is purely coincidence. I don't steal shit, bitches! If you eat my cookies you will have to buy some more cookies for me after the attacking of a leg humping FLUBBER. And then you have to find the FLUBBER.**_

**An Extremely Messed Up Resident Evil 4**

**Meet Bitores Munchies and Lord Chong**

Leon opened the gate and stepped through. This wasn't the village from that movie. Hooray, that movie blew.

Suddenly his codec rings, again. "How many of these bitches do I have!" He shouts in a whisper. "What!" He shouts into it.

Screen changes to see Leon and Hunnigan... Finally! That bitch finally made it. "Don't you be taking that tone with me boy!..." Hunnigan has a obnoxious hairdoo that looks as if a dog crapped on her head and highlighted the strands yellow. She was also painting her nails.

"Hunnigan, you made!" Leon says happily, "You're late."

"Wadda yo' mean I'm late cracker! I wasn't late, I was at that new Krispy Kreme store down the street and they had so many donuts... Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmm. Taste them sprinkles." She starts drooling all over the screen while stuffing her face with donuts. How five hundred donuts just appeared on the screen; actual size displayed, I don't know. Why don't you :bleep: off?

Leon gets off the codec and continues down the pavement path. "Pavement? What the hell?" Yes pavement asshole. I was getting tired of seeing dirt.

He shrugs his shoulders and comes to the main area of the villager. He pulls out his binoculars and stands behind a tree and peers through them.

"My name is Alice..." Leon gets off the binoculars after seeing Alice's face through the scopes. But, she wasn't anywhere to be seen after he removed them. He puts them to his face again. "...and I remember everthing."

Leon gets off again and looks through them again, "There was an accident-" It cuts off and the Resident Evil 4 box is displayed and a man shouts in the most loudest, craziest voice you readers are never going to hear for the rest of your lives begins once again, "Since you smashed your goddamn codec, I'm back again. Look at the Re4 box. It's bitchin.' You got to buy it now! Buy, buy, buy! Buy 'em all! You've heard about it on that dinky radio, now look at it. AND THE PRICE. My hootin' dog shit, look at that price. 49.95 dollars. Gotta buy 'em all. Resident Evil."

"Screw this!" He shouts as he runs into the open of the village. None of the villagers notice him. He looks around seeing about fifty passed out villagers scattered all over the asphalt ground.

Well, this was more of a relief, he didn't have to shoot anyone. Something shiny catches his attention and he turns around and sees a vending machine in the house were you go in when getting attacked and then the chainsaw guy comes out.

He skips to the vending machine and pulls out a dollar and sticks it through. Everything is sold out except the Mello Yello. Don't ask yet, this part does have a meaning.

He grabs the Mello Yello when all the villagers wake up. "Kennedy got the vending machine working again. We use American dollars. Not European money."

All the villagers suddenly have a mood change and begin to advance on Leon, with their most crappiest of weapons. Plastic bags and toy ray guns. Leon jumps in the house and closes the door and looks out the little window next to the door.

He sees the chainsaw guy. But, with no bag on his head, "Wow, a Kodak memory." He gets his camera out and takes a picture. The chainsaw man has the bag which goes over his head, but he's inhaling the bag. "Must be hyperventilating."

No, he wasn't. Chainsaw guy takes the bag from his mouth and white powder is all over his face. Bag full of crack. He then puts it over his head and ties the string tightly around his neck. And _then_ he grabs the chainsaw. And _then_ he starts that shit up and begins running for the house.

"He's in the house!"

"The American is going to find the meth lab."

"My baby! Have you seen my baby!"

"CRRRRAAAAACCCCCK!" Screams the cracksaw man.

"What are they planning?" Leon asks himself. Remember, Leon doesn't understand what the villagers are saying, their dialogue is just translated. "Great a chainsaw."

Leon looks at the cabinet he's suppose to push to block the door, "Hmm, no. Too antinque." The author sighs as Leon grabs a pillow and puts it in the doors way, "That should hold them for now."

_Ding Dong!_ Leon opens the door after hearing the doorbell and comes face to face with the Crazy cracksaw man, "Are you selling girl-scout cookies?"

"CRRRAAAAACCCCCK!"

Leon shuts the door again and barricades it with the pillow when the chainsaw comes jabbing through the door.

"What am I going to do?" Leon asks himself. Once again. Getting no answer. That's what he gets. No one who speaks english is there to answer him... Bastard.

This is where the Mello Yello comes in to teach everyone a valuable life changing question: "Mello Yello asks: How would you stay smooth?"

_Ding!  
_**Scenario 1:**

The door crashes down and Leon is in a batsuit. The batman theme song plays and Leon whispers coldly, "I'm Batman. This spandex suit is giving me a rash."

"CRRRRAAAAACCCCCK!"

Gets his head slashed off.

_Ding!_

**Scenario 2:**

Door crashes down and Leon is in a batsuit sitting at the table, "Would you like some tea?"

Alfred the butler comes out but they both get their heads chopped off.

_Ding!_

**Scenario 3: **

Door crashes down and Leon is in a CatWoman suit, "I'm tired of fighting, let's be friends."

"OOOOOOOKAAAAY!" Cracksaw man shouts.

They both walk off into a fake sunset with happy music playing and birds landing on their shoulders. Los Gigante is then shown skipping down a dirt path holding a basket and throwing flowers while smiling and going, "Tra, la, la, la, laaaaaa..."

**Back to Reality:**

"I have to choose one." Leon says. The door crashes open as Leon opens the cabinet revealing the catwoman suit. The cracksaw man comes up and Leon ends up blowing the shit out of him.

"Screw Mello Yello, bitches!" Leon grabs a towel and shoves it in the drink and lights the towel. Mello-molotov cocktail! "I make fire! YAY!"

Suddenly, the computer on the table goes, "You've got mail."

"YAY! I've mail!" He shouts hopping to the computer.

"You've got mail."

"YAY! I've got mail!"

Three hours later.

"You've got mail."

"YAY! I got mail! YAY!"

Leon then realizes that five billion gonados are surronding him. He throws the mello-cocktail and runs out the door.

Time slows down to... something really slow. Leon is running from the house, in slow motion. You hear his breathing and his footsteps thundering as it contacts with the ground.

The cocktail hits the floor of the cabin and the whole cabin blows up, in slow motion. You see shockwaves and everything. And your mom's special occasion tong.

Leon jumps forward, already through the gates, revealing the farm, the explosion following slowly and engulfing the whole screen.

The Sesame Street Intro song begins playing as Leon skips through the whole farm, "Can you tell me how to get? How to get to Sesame-a Street?"

He ends up in a huge rivine and a huge cocaine boulder tumbles down behind him and rolls after him. The Indiana Jones song begins playing and it confusingly shows Leon swinging of a whip with a fake animated boulder coming after him.

"YAY! I always wanted to be a wizard!" Everyone stares at him strangely as the cocaine boulder smashes into a wall.

Leon is back on his feet and removes his cowboy hat and finds an abandoned house. Gonados beging throwing glow sticks at him. Leon laughs at it as they explode, taking large portions of the terrain away.

He catches one of the _glow sticks_ and throws it back realizing it's a stick of dynamite.

For some odd reason the gonado that threw it lunges for it and catches it, let's find out why.

Dumbass gonada caught the dynamite and smiled and stuck it in his mouth, "BLUNT!"

_KABOOM_! He explodes like a balloon and happy bubbles begin raining down on the floor.

He walks into the house and finds a moving cabinet, "It's the Boogey Man. Gotta close my eyes and count to some sort of number." He closes his eyes, "1...1 and a half...1 and three quarters..." Three hours later. "...Two.." Three days later. "...Bingo..."

Anyways, he finishes counting and opens the closet and a guy falls out. Leon is suddenly startled by the man and removes the tape covering his mouth, "I know you! I know you!" Leon shouts in joy.

"I know, Luis Sera."

"No, you stupid bitch. You're Aragorn from those long ass Lord of the Ring movies."

"..Err..."

Suddenly, two gonados appear, one holding a slipper, the other holding a cup of tea. Heavy footsteps then sound through the room and a huge Chief walks in.

"Morpheus!" Leon shouts, "I'm Neo, the one."

Chief growls in confusion.

Leon begins laughing, "You have no hair on your head. You need-" He pulls out an object and holds it to Chief's face, "ROGAINE!"

Chief snatches it from him and takes a bite out of the can.

"Whoa." Leon says to wannabe Aragorn, "What's with him."

"That's Chief Bitores Munchines. Everything he sees he has to eat. He smokes to much pot and has the munchies all the time. When you hear him growl, he's just saying mmmmm..." Luis makes an example, "Like..._mmmmm... foood."_

"Thanks Aragorn."

"It's Luis!"

"You know what Aragorn. I don't care if you're king or not. You're going to die. And it's going to be so funny. And. And. And. And. I'm going to laugh."

Leon and Luis/Aragorn are suddenly beat unconcious by the cup of tea and the slipper.

**Few minutes later...**

"Wow, I like this jacket, man. I mean- feeble human." Lord Saddler says. But wait, he's Tommy Chong, putting Leon's jacket on over his robes and zips it closed. "Now, feeble human, man... Let us show you, man... My pocket watch...man.

He pulls ouf a pocket watch and shows it too Leon. "Let us now show you our... Wal-Mart half off coupons, man."

He shows Leon some coupons, he gets them so they can be used as treasure.

"And... now our true power. Los Trippy." A monk bastard comes out and injects Leon with the Los Trippy plague, the happy plague. "Now, you will trip out and be happy, man. I can't control you so it was just pointless to inject you with it, in the first place, man."

Lord Chong exits and gets on his magic carpet and flies away, "May the force be with you man..."

Leon wakes up suddenly, and begins tripping out.


	3. Messed Up 3

_**Warning: Hey, man. This story contains strong drug use and strong stupidity towards everything that you care about and yada yada yada.**_

_**And none of us own Capcom and they're not going to sue us if they find are stories. So why put the 'I don't own Capcom' crap? It's because you're retarded!**_

_**Don't you dare copy my story(s). Or uh- uh- uh- uh... Yo momma! Anything you find that you think is copied is purely coincidental. I don't steal. Honest. And, and, and, and... Yo Momma!**_

**An Extremely Messed Up Resident Evil 4**

**Magical Hot Dog Powers**

Tripping out, nonstop, Leon tries freeing himself but, finds himself stuck to Aragorn. I mean Luis.

"Kingy, I'm tripping out. Get me out of here."

"For the last time it's Luis!" Luis/Aragorn exclaims, "I'm getting sick and tired of you, you American pig!"

A bloody gonado skips in with a gigantic axe in his hand, and since none of the characters understand spanish, except Luis, but no one gives a crap, here's what he has to say upon entering, "Good morning, I made you some tea, we're having an axe throwing contest slash red paintball tournament. You wanna-"

Before he could finish, Leon kicks happy axe man into a wall, snapping his neck in the process. "Take that, mean man."

"You idiot, he was being nice to you."

Hey! We don't care.

Leon sighs, and a heroic song comes on. The light dims and Leon is standing in blackness looking ahead, "You know. When you're in a thrid world country, and everyone speaks a different language. It's all right to kill them whether they like you or not. Being nice or mean. The works. Ain't that right Mr. Flower."

Okay, remember. Leon's tripping out at the moment, his background is changing nonstop. "Are you crazy!" Mr. Flower/ Luis shouts, "Why are you stereo-typing people like me!"

"Well, you can kill people in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Iraquistan."

"That's because America's at war with them!"

"AND WE'RE KICKING ASADDAM BIN HULADEN'S ASS!"

Luis is just silent. Silence. More silence. Cricket noise. Even though its Fall. Awkward silence. Okay. "You know? The gonados only killed two cops you were with. If you killed two of the village people, they would've not been coming to kill you now."

"Why the hell not!"

"They kill two on your side, you kill two on their side. Fair's fair."

Leon thinks about that for about a micro second, "Well, so far I've killed about 200 of them. What's the big deal, it's not like I molestered their kids. Ain't that right Bubbles." Bubbles is Michael Jackson's monkey.

Luis' eyes widen, "You're about to molester one right now..."

Leon is wearing a white glove and moon walking towards a little boy, "You wanna have a sleep over?" The little kid runs out screaming, "Oh, I see why!" Leon shouts, "It's because I'm black."

"What are you talking about now?" Luis shouts in confusion. "Why did you kill 200 instead of 2?"

"BECAUSE I'M FROM AMERICA!"

"You know what? That's not the point- Leon! Are you even listening?"

Leon is now outside with his shirt torn off, crying. It is now dark outside and raining with lightning crackling through the sky. He's also singing one of Eminem's songs, with the words slightly different.

"I'M SORRY MUH-MMA! I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU-OOOO! I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE- YOU- CRY- SO TONIGHT! I'M NEU-TER-ING- THE- DOG- GUH!"

"Holy shit!" Luis runs out as he was supposed to when the man with the axe had his neck snapped.

Everything is back to what it was supposed to be like in the game, Leon is wearing a shirt saying, _I was killing zombies, now I'm killing third world people._

Just as he exits, the guns dealer appears at the window, "Get your ass over here and buy, stranger!"

Leon does what he's told. You know, the guns dealer would make a good drug dealer by the way he talks.

He catches up with the dealer and spots him in a dark corner, outside the house. A weird geru music plays, "What are you buying!" He opens his coat, "Let me flash you while you're buying stranger."

Leon decides to sell all his crappy treasure.

Instead of that, _is that all stranger?_ saying, or, _ahh... I'll buy it at a high price._ It was more of, "I hope that's it stranger, I gave up Pokémon when I converted to drugs." Leon hit yes to sell his pokéball, and instead of, _heh heh heh, thank you, stranger_, it came out like, "You son of a bitch. I'm going to kill you!"

The gun/drug dealer was scratching his neck while he was munching down on a cup cake. The scratching indicates that he was using crack a while ago. Not T-Virus effects. Leon changes to the buy list and doesn't like what he sees. Well, sort of. All reminding him of the days back at the Police Academy.

_Name/ Prices:_

_Cupcake/ 1000 ptas._

_Bacon/ 2000 ptas._

_Baby Bottle Pop/ 5000 ptas._

_Axe: Deodorant Body Spray/ 10000 ptas._

_Resident Evil 4/ .0000000001 ptas._

_Rocket Launcher Shaped Pipe/ 40000 ptas._

_Chocolate Cake/ 15000 ptas._

_Resident Evil: Apocalyspe/ Free_

_Star Wars III Bootleg/ 2 ptas._

_Crack in a Bottle/ 2000 ptas._

_Second Aid Spray/ 1000 ptas._

_Third Aid Spray/ 500 ptas._

_Author's School Principal/ Free_

_President Bush/ Free_

_Ada Blow-up Doll/ 10000 ptas._

_Rights To Capcom/ Free_

Leon buys the chocolate cake, all the free stuff, the Star Wars bootleg, and Ada blow-up doll.

"Great!" shouts Leon as he goes through the gate to kill some gonados, "All I need now, is a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, and three Xbox's to make friends!"

Too his dismay, he didn't have any of the things like he said. So he found a fishing pole and tied the bootleg Star Wars to it and lured it out over the cliff for all the gonados to see.

"Look, the bootleg copy."

"Star Wars."

"I wanna be a Jedi."

"CRAACCCK!"

"Use the force."

"YO, Adrian. I'm Rocky! I did it!"

All the gonados stare at the gonodo who began impersonating ROCKY. They pushed him off the cliff and began hurling themselves at the movie, missing by hundreds of feet. How can they see that far though?

Meanwhile, holding the fishing pole, Leon is lying on the ground, crying in his underwear. Widey Tideys. He's gained about 100 pounds and you can see his rolls and everything you will find disturbing if you saw this for real.

"I'm so ugly..." He cries. "I'm fat!..." He stuffs some cake in his mouth and lets out a muffled cry, "I pooped my pants." Stuff some more cake. Now he has cake outlining his mouth, and more choclaty chunks are on his chest, "I want my Teletubby!"

The last gonado jumps off the cliff and Leon walks through the next area after magically finding the two pieces to open the gate. Actually he didn't, all he had to do was smash his stomach into the insertion areas to unlock the gate.

Right in front of him was a warehouse and he walked into it and saw a gonado trying to light his fart on fire. "Geez, are people with no television anywhere that bored."

Leon decides to film it when he hears a huge one get cracked, the walls vibrating viciously. The gonado gets his torch and sticks it too his rear.

Super slow motion now! As the torch goes near his ass, Leon gets up and runs out of the ware house, when some declassified film footage of a nuclear blast kicks in. Capcom was lazy at the time, so their using this as the man's cut the cheese part.

The nuclear blast ends up wiping out a whole city in a matter of seconds.

Back to normal motion. Leon gets up and looks at the warehouse which is just a pile of debris, "What crappy effects!"

Chief Munchies cabin can be seen from here now and Leon skips over to it. Literally skips over. While humming one of the Alladin songs. "Arabian knight... An Arabian day..."

Scene skip... that song is pointless.

Leon is now at the puzzle to open the door to the chief's room. He can't seem to figure out the puzzle, "Can I call a friend?"

Puzzle is silent.

Three hours later...

"Are you gonna answer?"

Silence.

Nighttime...

"I'm so fat..." Stuffs some cake.

Puzzle is laughing.

Morning...

"There's no place like home, there's no place like home."

Afternoon...

"I wonder if the Jehovah's witnesses have anything to do with this."

Puzzle thoughts: Oh, shit! He's onto us.

Puzzle opens door and Leon walks in and finds Bitores Munchies eating a bucket of chicken.

Chief Munchies sees him and uses his magical hot dog powers and disappears.

"Where'd he go? He must've used his magical hot dog powers." Leon says, walking to the bucket of chicken, "My chicken senses are tingling... Oh wait, I just need to use the bathroom. Oh, wait, I just used the bathroom."

He walks out of the room and is confronted by Chief Munchies. Munchies takes a swing at him and Leon jumps out of the way and finds out that Munchies wasn't swinging at him.

Chief Munchies was swinging for the donut on the ground. Remember. He's Chief Munchies. "Mmmmmm!... Donut!" He stuffs it in his face. "Mmmmmm!... Chicken..."

Leon is just standing there when Munchies notices it's time for his one line saying throughout the whole game, besides the whole, mmmmm... and yum... sayings.

"You carry the same blood as us."

"You mean we're a big happy family? We have the same dad's?"

"No."

"We're brothers!"

"No."

"Then what are we!"

Chief Munchies can't say anymore. His one line saying was done for the whole game. He walks back into his room and is shot twice in the back by a gun.

Both of them look outside the window and see a woman. Just her chest. Were her boobies are. They don't see her face. Cuz her boobies are in the way. They like the boobies.

Chief Munchies makes a grab for it, crashing towards the window. Before he could jump out, he takes a bite of a chicken wing and _then _jumps out. He missed the woman by a long shot, seeing that she was long gone before he took a bite out of the chicken wing.

Leon looks out the window and sees Chief Munchies on the ground eating another bucket of chicken.

He then grabs out a packet of hotdogs and shouts, "Hot dog powers unite!"

Just then, the 60's Batman theme song begins playing and the Pilsbury Doughboy, and the Arby's Oven Mit shows up. Then all of them race off towards the Play D'oh factory to complain about why the d'oh smells, and taste so good, but it will kill you if you eat it.

Leon then couldn't see them anymore as they combined their magical hot dog powers together and drove away in an Oscar Myer Weiner truck.

"Can this chapter end, now?" Leon says, falling on Munchies bed and pulling out the chocolate cake, "I feel ugly."

"Not yet." I say.

"I'm so fat..." Stuffs some cake in his mouth.

The author sighs loudly, "Okay fine! Anything but, that!"


	4. Messed Up 4

_**Warning: Hey, man. This story contains strong drug use and strong stupidity towards everything that you care about and yada yada yada.**_

_**And none of us own Capcom and they're not going to sue us if they find are stories. So why put the 'I don't own Capcom' crap? It's because you're retarded!**_

_**Don't you dare copy my story(s). You know why! Cause I'm Asian bitches. I'm a F.L.I.P. (f-ing little island person).**_

**An Extremely Messed Up Resident Evil 4**

**Nemo The Ugly Ass Fish**

Leon gets out of Munches cabin after raiding his refridgerator. He was surprised that Munchies had one. Inside was a chicken laying golden eggs like in Jack And The Bean Stalk. He wondered if there was a box that contained a golden lady harp to keep him company.

Stocked with hundreds of golden eggs overflowing his item box he was greeted outside with the Cracksaw man, abusive father, and Jerry Springer prostitute mother. What a interesting group.

"CRAAACK!"

"Aqui esta!"

"Milk Shake!"

Leon equiped his eggs, and since his shotgun could hold just about anything. He shoved the eggs in the chamber and pumped the hammer of the gun, "I'm the egginator!" He screamed.

He fired and two eggs launched out and hit the Cracksaw man in the chest. Egg yolk blinded the man and he went running off, slaughtering villagers in his way.

They ignored the cracksaw man as he ran into Jason Vorhees and cut him in half.

Looking back at Leon, he was now holding a gatling gun. The ammo belt was loaded with golden eggs. "Would you like some eggs..." He said smoothly, "Bitches?"

He pulled the trigger and billions of eggs flew at the villagers in a straight concentrated line of yolk. Leon began running down the dirt path and came to the gate which would lead back to the pueblo and was encountered by more villagers aka hippies.

Leon fired more eggs into the group. Blood, guts, hair, sperm, and yolk went all over the place. Well, not sperm, or it must've been a very horny man he'd kill. When he was done, the villagers were nothing but a pulp.

The dog that he "saved" then ran up and began licking up the pulp. That's what dogs do, why do you think they chew on their- I'm going to stop right now.

He dropped the egg gun, because it had run out of eggs and proceed through the gate. Leon took note that he would have to tell Capcom that why the screen stretched out and blurred when he went through doors.

So, he was back in the pueblo and ran to the church. He was so desperate to get into the church. So bad, that he locked all the villagers out when he went in.

Just as he was about to progress further, he was stopped and forced to sit through three hours of mass. It's a church, damn it!

After mass was over, he went through the secret passage way which led down to a giant red slide. Leon went down the slide and began laughing. Hippies sure have fun. He then made note that if he ever was going to have a secret passage, it would have a huge red slide.

And a McDonald's. He had to have one. So he could get Happy Meals and play with the little toys and laugh at the faggots who went to Wendy's. They had a stupid girl. He had a clown which sat on a bench and smiled constantly and scared old people away. It was good that it scared old people, giving them flashbacks of war.

The slide ended and Leon went on the slide again. This process of going down the slide proceeded for another three hours before the slide, literally skinned his ass.

He went to his Mommy afterwards so she can give him a band aid for the injury and a dollar to buy a bag of chips. Instead he got a Koody Shot. Why? I don't know why!

The gun/drug dealer was now standing before him as the creepy arabian music played, "Want to buy some pot! Stranger! Bitch! Hoe!"

"Hoe?" Leon said, "I'm not a hoe!"

"No, bitch." The dealer said, "I BANGED YOUR GRANDMA! YOUR GRANDMA'S MY HOE!"

Outside in the graveyard, had a headstone which read: Leon's Grandmother: Gun Dealer's Bitch.

On with the dealer's list.

"Waddaya smokin'? Stranger?"

Name/ Price

_Big Red Slide/ 25,000,000 ptas._

_Leon's Grandma/ Sold Out_

_Gun that would kill fifty enemies instantly/ Free_

Leon, as stupid as he didn't look, bought the Big Red Slide and upgraded the crap out of it. He exclusified it which it then turned into a bigger slide that was 1 millimeter longer.

He then proceeded to the graveyard and began grabbing the blue circle shaped targets in which he had to shoot to get a price. Instead, he just grabbed them off, asked a crazy bitch villager to pour him a glass of milk and Leon was set for adventure. With his milk and blue cookies.

"Mmmm! Mmmm! Bitch" He screamed eating the blue target, "It's so good, my teeth are chipping."

He then killed the hippies in the area and made it too the lake. Before getting into his swimming trunks, he finished his milk.

His mommy always said to finish his milk, or his sexually abusive father would rape him and post pictures of it on the internet. This was the first time he finished his milk.

Leon changed into his swimming trunks and took the big red slide out and placed it against the waters edge. He then slid down the red pathway and landed in the water to find Del Lago waiting for him.

"Eeeeek!" He screamed, "Go to my happy place! Go to my happy place!"

It didn't work, Del Lago was in his happy place, destroying his happy things. So he went to his scary place. Which was pointless, he just ended up having a seisure.

He opened his eyes and saw Del Lago swimming at him, "Ahhhh! Big Fish!" He said screaming the title of that awesome movie; _Big Fish. _If you haven't seen it you should.

The oversized, gold fish grabbed him and threw him in a boat which held harpoons. Leon grabbed one of the harpoons and put on a helmet and screamed, "I'm a viking!"

Big Fish simply threw him off after burping in his face. Leon fell back in the water and watched the boat sink to the bottom. It reminded him of the movie _Titanic._ "Crap, that was my one chance to draw a naked lady!"

With no harpoons, happy places, and not able to draw naked ladies, Leon looked at you and says calmly, "The crap has been literally scared out of me."

And shit scared he was. He screamed like a little girl and wished that he should of tooken Jedi lessons sooner. So when this happened he could lift the fish out of the water like Yoda did lifting the X-Wing. "Damn, Yoda and your hotdog powers. I wanted to walk on the moon like you did!"

Nemo began closing in and Leon then let loose his powers. He farted underwater. Huge bubbles floated to the surface and Nemo the ugly ass fish stopped and took in the disgusting scent. Too Leon, it smelled like bacon and flowers.

The fish then flipped over and floated to the surface upside down, for it died after smelling the putride smell.

"Huzzah!" Leon screamed in victory and swam to sore. As he changed back into his cool clothes, he clutched his heart. He then threw up in his hand. Looking at his hand, you'd expect to see blood.

Well, you're wrong. In his hand were Gummy bears. Los Trippy was taken into more effect. Leon simply looked at the gummy bears and ate them. That's right he did. Gummy Bears are the shit!

He then walked into the cabin and passed out on the floor.

* * *

**Leave a message please. And tell me what you like, maybe gimme some suggestions. I'm out. Next chapter introducing El Gigante.**


	5. Messed Up 5

_**Warning: Hey, man. This story contains strong drug use and strong stupidity towards everything that you care about and yada yada yada.**_

_**And none of us own Capcom and they're not going to sue us if they find our stories. So why put the 'I don't own Capcom' crap? It's because you're retarded!**_

**_Okay, I got help from reviewers, mainly suggestions on what do add. Very funny... They were all good, so I'll use them all!_**

_**Right, now I'm using Gan, Wes 'n Tyran's suggestion with El Gigante. You guys just sit back because your suggestions happen later in the game. Don't get mad, that's just the way the game was made. I promise you, that you can bitch slap Capcom because of this. Have them on Jerry Springer with you!**_

**An Extremely Messed Up Resident Evil 4**

**Rock Killed That Horny Bastard, El Horney**

As we last left Leon, he coughed up some gummy bears and ate them, good snack for the preparing fall to the ground and pass out on the floor so he could dream of the things he likes. Things like candy, and a new coat. And Teletubbies as well. Ah, those damn tub bitches and their TVs in their stomachs. That would be cool if humans had televisions in their stomachs. Makes me wonder why we weren't created that way.

Leon wakes up, this is his dream. Wow, how remarkably real it is. I wish my dreams were like this.

He wakes up with a start and the biggest smile on his face. "I'm so fat," he says, and I just get annoyed.

He looks up and who does he see? Why? Your mother. No! Barry Burton, examining things like he's talented to do.

"Barry what are you doing here?"

"I'm examining things." He says, "I brang my thrusty, .357, action express, colt phyton..." He holds up the object he's describing, "magnifying glass!"

"That's nice, at least I don't look stupid for now."

Barry holds up a speck of dust and looks at it closely with his awesome, kick-ass, Wal-mart, magnifying glass. "Hmm..."

"What?"

"Hope this isn't Chris' dust."

Leon looks away, wanting to wake up now but then he looks out the window, "Hey, Look a pony! I love ponies."

Thus, this starts Leon's song, a rewritten version of the Pokémon introduction.

Leon is thrust into Ash's clothes and the setting is all dramatic.

"I want to be the very best, Like no one ever was. To catch them is my real test. To look at them with big goochy eyes is my cause! I will travel across the street, cuz Momma said I can't go across the land! Each pony-mon, to understand... The cost of all their foooooooooooo-duh!"

Leon starts singing in the highest voice you will never hear, glass is shattering, shockwaves are going every where, because of his bad singing.

"Pony-mon! It's you and me, I know it's pointless in financial ways. Pony-mon! You cost to much, so I sold you to make some gluuuuuuueeeeeee! Pony-mon! Gotta catch them all! You teach me but I don't speak Pony-mon language! Poooooeeeeee-nnneeee mon! Gotta catch them all, Pony-mon!" The song ends.

Pikachu then jumps in Leons arms and they both extend their hands out forming Peace signs and both wink, in anime style. Leon looks at Pikachu and screams like a little girl and bitch-slapped the bitch out of his hands. It's incredible, that yellow mole popped like a balloon against the wall.

Barry picks the Pikachu up, "Hmm, hope this isn't Chris' Pikachu!"

Leon is looking around frantically for some reason, "Where's my pony?"

"Hope this isn't Chris' pony."

"What?"

"Hope this isn't Chris' table."

Leon throws a rock at Barry's head, "Barry, that's not a table, that a pile of bat crap."

Barry picks it up and eats one of the bat pellets, "Hmm, hope this isn't Chris' bat crap... Hmm, hope this isn't Chris' Barry's hand. Hmm, hope this isn't Chris' shoes."

"No, Barry they're mine, I bought them at Wal-Mart."

"Hope this isn't Chris' Wal-Mart."

Leon starts banging his head on the floor, "I'm- so- glad- that- you're- not- in- the- game!"

"Hope this isn't Chris' game..."

Leon screams in pure agony and suddenly he wakes up, in cold sweat. Wait! That's not sweat, he wet the floor. No, wait it was just raining.

Jeez, the dream in the game was suppose to have a meaning, his dream now was just completely pointless and a waste of about 550 words. Leon walks out of the cabin and into the rain.

"This reminds me a lot of the Matrix Revolutions."

Just then, Agent Smith and all his clones, make entry. "Mr. Kennedy. Welcome back, we...missed you."

Leon is now in Neo clothes and wearing sunglasses, "It ends tonight."

Dramatic choir music begins playing and both of them bolt for each other, Smith running as fast as he could, and Leon, my how stupid, is merely skipping and humming like a school-girl.

Leon suddenly makes a turn and goes through a gate. Suddenly, a hippie is making his way towards him. He seems to be having a Grand Mall seisure and his head then explodes, revealing a disgusting monster.

"Awww!" Leon says in delight, with big goochy eyes as he eyes the hideous creature, "How cute!"

He skips up to the creature and begins petting it, not seeing the huge ass blade coming out of it. Leon begins talking in a baby voice, "Yooso cute! Yesooo are! A Yessooo Are!"

The blade swings at him, missing him by a few inches, "Give daddy a kissy wissy! You want a kissy wissy from Leon Weon! Ah, yessooo doo. A coochie coochie coo!"

Okay, you have a headless man with a monster sticking out of his neck that's liable to cut you to pieces. Now, you have Leon petting it and giving it kisses... WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH THIS?

Leon then offers it a cracker, "Polly want a cracker?"

"Bwak, Polly want a cracker! Polly want a cracker!" Oh, my shit! It spoke. Leon feeds it the cracker and the creature disappears, merely exploding in his face.

Leon begins crying, with guts all over his face, "Mommy! The monster buckakied all over my face like dad did when he was molestering me!"

Whoa, I should've not added that part:shoots self in the head:

Since, I have no ideas for the hippies coming up, Leon uses his Big Red slide and ends up where he finds the cults insignia. It's not the insignia. It happens to be a Krispy Kreme donut wedged in were the insignia should be.

He calls Hunnigan, "Hunnigan, I found the poor peoples munchy vault."

_"Leon, I been sent to the pyschiatric hospital fo' gaining 500 pounds in the last six hours. I don't have a mental disorder! Bitches! I have an eating disorder! I'm like Fat Albert without the penis!"_

"Okay, Hunnigan! I'll get back to you when I learn to wipe my ass." He looks at you; the reader. Yes you, "And that, I'll never learn."

Leon finds a boat and rides all the way back to the drug/gun dealers orgy cabin. He walks outside after buying a blue slide and a shirt that says _I didn't get laid in this game._

He is now where El Gigante is supposed to be fought. The gates close and two big double doors open and out come ten hippies holding blunts, I mean ropes.

They begin pulling when El Gigante moon walks out of the little room he was in. He looks at everyone with eyes as if he is going to hump their legs off. He is drooling as well and he is buff in the pants.

The villagers get scared which lead to their death.

"Ello Mucho mucho horny."

"Le Quero Taco Bell!"

"Wait! Gigante is wearing a tong under his pants."

Gigante looks at them, "No, I'm not!"

"Ya, you are!"

Gigante gets mad and humps the shit out of them. I'm not getting into detail or I'll have to paste this on an adult website and tell people to pay 32 dollars a month to read this. Damn, I'm such a genius. You know why? Because I'm a sexy bitch!

Leon happens to get scared as he backflips out of the way of Gigante swinging his huge ass at him. This brings him back to a flashback when he first met his Air Force ROTC teacher; Officer Eckold.

**Flashback:**

_Leon sits at his desk with thirty students in his class and Eckold walks in with toilet paper hanging out of his pants._

_"Oooo!" Eckold says, "Ahh, boys..." He smacks his lips in hunger._

_Everyone grimaces and pushes their desk back three feet from were he stood, "Kids! My name is horny! I mean I am horny! Uh- I am horny for you! Damn it! My name is Mr. Horny!" He pauses and slaps himself on the forehead._

_Leon gets out of his seat, "Um, I think your name is Officer Eckold."_

_"That's right! Boys make Officer very horny!" He sits behind his desk and grabs it and begins neighing like a horse, "Horny, horny, horny!"_

_Three boys run out of the room screaming for their lives as Eckold "finishes." He gets up from his desk and walks to the front of the class, "Now today class! We're going to learn about orgies that make me horny- I mean I am horny for you! Uh, Sleeping with little boys makes Eckold very horny!" He neighs like a horse as he humps his way out of a window and makes his way to a tree and let's end the flashback...NOW!_

**Flashback End:**

Leon's mouth is hanging open as gigante is actually Eckold with the plagas in him, "Eep!"

The way gigante moves is really disturbing. He thrust his private region forward which causes him to move in the direction he is directing himself to go. Anything caught in the way will be humped to a pulp.

I mean if you've seen Jackass the movie or any other Jackass episode, featuring the man who runs around in a tong and tells everyone he likes to party and dances so close to people that his nads rub up against them, that's how gigante moves.

Just add a techo beat.

Leon jumps out of the way as Gigante, _thrust _his way at him, knocking the three crapily built huts into the ground.

"I have to find the source that causes the techno music!" Leon screams dodging again as Gigante rams his fat fucking horny ass into a tree, causing splinters to go everywhere.

"Sheeeet!" Leon shouts as he looks up and sees a knob, "That bitch is knocking everything down so it resembles a dominoes effect." He pulls his gun out and shoots the knob and the techno beat stops.

Gigante stops thrusting his body forward and begins screaming after the music stops. He crouches over and a huge plant like plaga comes out of his back.

Leon looks at it in disbelief, "I'm not touching that shit."

So, he simply climbs his way to the knob he shot and pulls at it which resemble a boom box. He grabs the volume knob, as which he shot and puts the volume back up.

The techno beat resumes and Gigante continues his usually thrust humper move. Leon grabs the tuner and changes the techno beat song to a opera song.

Gigante stops moving and begins singing opera and moving slowly. Leon changes it again to ballet music and you won't believe what happens. Gigante gets into a pink ballerina suit and begins prouncing around as if he is no lighter then a flower.

Which he's not. He's a two ton horny pack of gigante, capable of humping New York City to a ghastly rubble if he wanted.

Leon changes the dial to rap music and Gigante gets into gangsta clothes and is then seen in a car with the front end bouncing high in the air by hydrolics. Gigante is inside the car with sunglasses on and looks at you, the reader and says, "Shizzle my nizzle."

Leon changes the dial to heavy metal rock music and Gigante is thrust into a crowd of people that just magically appeared and is crowd-surfed off the cliff and into his horney grave.

But he doesn't fall yet, he is hanging off the cliff by his arm and his looking at Leon with big goochy horny eyes. "Leon?" Horny man says.

"Die you bastard! You killed my father!" Leon shouts, who is now dressed as a Jedi and his holding a light saber.

Gigante is shown again wearing a Darth Vader helmet, "No, I didn't kill you're father Lukeon Skyneddy... I- Am- Your- Father!"

Lukeon Skyneddy looks up at the sky and goes in slow motion where the voices are really deep in tone, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Gigante lets go and Leon makes a jump for his horny hand but fails as Gigante falls into the water, "I LOVE YOU SON!..."

Remember, this is in slow motion, Leon is crying, "You never got to watch my baseball games."

"But I did molestor you, remember son! Use the force and create a chain of Jedi. And avenge Yoda. Avenge that midget! That rip off Kermit the frog." He splashes into the water and somehow blows up. Funny, there were no explosives planted. Hmm, maybe that was just for amusement and effects.

Okay, this is getting confusing. Leon moves out after the dog makes a late entry to save him. So, Leon bitch slaps that bitch off the cliff. "Kibbles and Beets Lean that mother fucker!"

Leon puts his lightsaber up and walks out of the fortefied area and makes his way back to the church to wedge the Krispy Kreme donut into the door to save Ashley.

* * *

**_Note: Thank you Ganadorf, Wesker 'n Tyranids. And Warrent Officer Eckold. This is how I pictured the scene when I read what you said that he was a horny bastard, it was like...:light bulb goes off in head:_**

**_Thanx for the suggestion. Next chapter: Does Mr. Kennedy Have to Smack a Bitch?_**


	6. Messed Up 6

_**Warning: Again, strong uses of drugs here and there. Don't do drugs, very bad, you die if you do it. Along with the stupidity, do not attempt anything written here in which you will think will be awesome if you attempt to do. **_

**_Also, I'm using the plagas infected squirrels mentioned by someone, it's been a while so i forgot. Enjoy yourself now!_**

**An Extremely Messed Up Resident Evil 4**

**Magical Truck Driver That Was Abducted By Aliens**

Leon is standing in the main area of the most colorful church in the whole widest damn world. "Woooooooooooooow!" He awes in stupidity. "I like beans!"

The effect of the plague must be dwelling deeper into his body. But who cares, no matter how long you take to play and finish the game, there will be a happy ending.

He finds the magical ladder and climbs it and finds his way in front of a lamp, or chandelier. Or big light, very big. He jumps on it and begins swinging, back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. He jumped and and fell back to the floor. The Mario song which plays when Mario falls off a cliff on the Nintendo system then plays.

Leon attempts it again. Five thousand times later. Mario song plays. So he decides to use the stairs. Five thousand times later. He falls down the stairs. So he takes the elevator. He gets up there. Finally!

He opens the door to Ashley's room because I do not want to see him attempt that puzzle.

Ashley is running around inside, rehearsing her lines for the future. "Leon!" The second line. "Help!" Third. "Help me, Leon!"

Leon runs in, pissed already at the lines and screams, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"Who the hell are you?"

"My name is Forest Gump. People call me Forest Gump. If you replace the G with an H, it's Forest Hump." Leon begins laughing at the gay joke he just made.

"Come on! Let's get out."

Leon is now wearing worn out tennis shoes, in a white suit, has a buzz cut, and is holding a box of chocolate. Hint, hint, impersonating Forest Gump. He looks at her, "Would you like some chocolate? I eat about half a box of chocolate every day."

"What?"

Leon farts and smiles like an ass, "Life is like a box of chocolate."

She slaps Leon out of his tripiness and they both get to the bottom floor were Lord Chong awaits.

"I'll take the weed." Chong says.

"Huh?"

"I mean, I'll take the girl."

Leon looks at Lord Chong with stupidity, his eyes crosseyed and out of focus. He scratches his ass, hitched up his pants. And scratched his ass again. This is when Ashley breaks in. "Leon, I think they shot something into my neck."

**Flashback:**

Lord Chong offers her some Skittles and she eats it. How pointless.

**End Flashback:**

"What did you do my dog?" Leon says, apparently dog, meaning her.

"You know how I did it?" Chong says smoking a bowl and popping all sorts of fun colored pills.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Leon shouts, now in a school desk raising his hand. "I know, Mr. Hippie."

Leon begins, "Los Trippy came from the apple pie I ate, which was abducted by aliens, and given to the truck driver of doom who gave dirty diapers to old people, who ate the magical cornbread, that-"

**Three hours later...**

"And you know what happened to little Johnny? And then Luke Skywalker-"

**Five hours later...**

"And then I farted that jelly bean out of my butt and gave it to Frodo which gave him magical powers to destroy the ring of evil. That led to communism. And then Jesus was born. And then America won World War 5 billion against the Morloks which lived under ground, who stole the nice man's time machine because they liked shiny things. That is how you shot something into Ashley's neck. And it is also why I am Jewish."

There is nothing but utter silence. Tommy Chong looks at him, "How the hell did you know, man?"

"Because I was raped by a rhino."

Then, Darth Sidious look alikes burst into the chruch and start throwing rocks at Ashley and Leon.

Instead of Leon grabbing Ashley and jumping out of the window, he grabs her and goes to the Sidious look alikes and goes, "Excuse me, pardon me."

They move out of the way and he exits through the front door of the church.

Outside, waits a group of hippies. Instead of holding torches, they are holding candles and singing Christmas songs.

So, Leon and Ashley kill them all because it isn't Christmas yet. They head to the ladder which leads down to the tunnel and are stopped by a hideous creature. Squirrles.

They are like the dogs with wangs coming out of their mouth, but they are squirrels.

"Ooh..." Leon says with goochy eyes, "They so kooot!"

That's when thing get ugly. The squirrels attack him, jumping in his hair. He begans screaming like a little girl, and flapping his arms around. Even though he has a gun, or a gun look a like, he wasn't going to shoot them.

"Mommy! Tell them to stop!"

Ashley then bats them off his head, but he is still screaming and then looks around and sighs. "Phew... Almost lost my cool there."

So, since I am a little lazy, they use their huge slides and slide over to the cabin area where Luis is.

Leon puts the slide in his pocket as they get near the cabin. Suddenly, millions of hippies appear, screaming stupid things.

"Would you like to buy some cookies?"

"Shoes, half off."

Ashley turns to Leon, "What are we going to do?"

Leon begins going "uhhh..." as he looks at the cabin, then back at the invading hippies. Then the cabin. Then the hippies. Cabin. Hippies. Cabin. Hippies. "I just figured something out." He then says.

"What? What do we do?"

"I forgot to feed my fish when I left for Europe."

"No, what's the plan to stay alive?"

Leon does the same thing again. Hippies, cabin, hippies, cabin, hippies, cabin. "I don't know."

"Why don't we hide in the cabin?" Ashley then says.

"You're absolutely right! Righteous! Righteous!"

He then turns to his serious looks. Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation! He is now all buff, wearing a lether jacket, sunglasses and for some reason has a Harley Davidon. He looks at Ashly and flexes, which rips his shirt revealing his chest.

He begins talking like Arnold as well, "GET IN THE CABIN! GET IN THE CABIN!" He flexes his arms and then poses, "LOOK AT MY BICEPS!"

They both run into the cabin, Leon's Ahnuld frame is too big and crashes through the wall. Inside Aragorn awaits. Ahem I mean Luis. "Leon! There coming."

Leon, still doing the impersonation and still looking buff, brings his buff fucking ass to Luis and grabs him, "I MAD! YOU DIE NOW!" He breaks Luis in half and throws him out the cabin.

"Why'd you do that!" Ashley screams, "He dies later in the story not now."

"SHUT FACE! STUPID GIRL! HE'S NOT LUIS, HE WAS THE T-1000, THE MOST POWERFUL TERMINATOR EVER CREATED TRAVELED BACK INTO TIME TO KILL JOHN CONNER; LEADER OF HUMAN REBELLION IN FUTURE!"

"What the hell are you talking about!" She shouts, "This isn't Terminator 2!"

"DUMB BLOND HIDE IN CLOSET. OR I'LL RIP OFF YOUR FACE AND USE IT AS A NAPKIN! JOHN CONNER TOLD ME TO 'RELAX' AND ACT LIKE HIM. SO I HAVE THE COOLEST IMPERSONATION OF ALL TIME...COWABUNGA...AND...GGGG- NARLY...DUDE!"

Leon crashes out of the building now heaving a gatling gun and blows the group down. He then looks at the corpses on the ground and says, "I'LL BE BACK!"


	7. Messed Up 7

_**Warning: Hey, man. This story contains strong drug use and strong stupidity towards everything that you care and yada yada yada.**_

_**And none of us own Capcom and they're not going to sue us if they find it. So why put the 'I don't own Capcom' crap? It's because you're retarded!**_

**1 outta 1 billion scientists recommend that this proves that a drug user will quit after reading this story. Scientist name: Puff the Magic Dragon.**

**An Extremely Messed Up Resident Evil 4**

**Back Again. It's been awhile, and I forgot what I was doing. So, I'm going to just rely off my ideas so enjoy. Also, this chapter is a little over the edge and may not be suitable for those who are offended easily. Read at your own risk. I warned you.**

**Two Paths: Burning Man or The Path of Death**

Leon and Ashley stood before two paths. Each path had a sign. The one of the left said: Death. The other said: Burning Man.

"BURNING MAN!" Leon shouted grabbing a bowl out from his pocket. "Let's get high!"

Ashley glared at him and he puts the bowl up and looks around innocently, "I mean…. We have to convert people to not get high. Or something like that. But we can't take the other path cause……Burning man is cooler. TOO GET HIGH. I mean er, convert people to being good." He whispers to himself, "And get high."

"Is the Trippy now completely done now?" Ashley says to herself.

"Bacon!"

"Fine let's take the path." She says.

They go through the path.

**Three Days Later…**

Leon wakes up in what's left of a huge celebration having no clue what the hell just happened. He gets up and finds Ashley puking in a bush. "What happened?" He asks looking down at his shirt which says, _I went to burning man did a lot of illegal junk and woke up three days later not knowing what the hell happened whatsoever and found my bitch puking in a bush while looking at my shirt which said- these are a lot of words on this shirt to fit on here. This must be XXXL size. Well, oh well. _

Leon looks back at Ashley and screams, "Oh, my God! What the hell happened!"

"Look at your shirt."

He looks at his shirt again and back at Ashley, "Oh, my God! What the hell happened!"

"We went to burning man and we passed out after you tried _converting_ people to not do drugs.

"Oh, well I tried."

"You sprinted across the field naked screaming 'Martians made me communism! Get money back on your family! I crap in Bitores Munchies car!' You're an idiot."

Leon points at her, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa….whoa…..whoa………………..Whoa!"

"And-"

"-Whoa!" Leon looks around, "Have you seen the keys to my car?"

"You don't have a car!"

"Dude, Where's My Car!" Leon shouts at her again, picking his nose.

Ashley simply reminds him again, "YOU DON'T HAVE ONE!"

Just after saying that, a nerdy geeky man runs out from behind a rock and approaches them. He then puts his thumbs together turning his hand into a letter 'Z' and goes, "Zoltan!" He then runs off.

Coughdon'thavecopyrights&don'tevenowntheDude,Where'sMyCarmovieoranythingthathasanythingtodowiththemovieCough

"Quick! We need to find my car! Too the Leon Mobile!"

Suddenly, they are both in a car which looks like the Bat mobile but has a statue of Leon's face welded to the front.

"This is your car?" Ashley says quite frustrated that they just magically hopped into a car.

"Yeah, isn't it cool." Leon says now in a batman suit but with a paper letter L glued to the chest. "I am Leon-Man and you are my trusty sidekick-"

"Robin?"

"-Parakeet! You love crackers!" He force feeds her a cracker, "It gives you magical hotdog powers!"

"Which make me do what?"

"Tie my shoes."

Ashley crouches down to do it when he hands her a glass of lemonade, "What now?"

"You have to drink this! It's called Chemical Leon with a hint of yellow dye. Drink it!"

She takes the glass and holds it to her nose and grimaces as she takes a whiff of it and shudders, "Eww-"

"What's wrong with it!"

"I don't think this is lemonade-"

Leon goes into a berserker rage, "DRINK MY PEE!"

Ashley gets out of the car and takes off her Parakeet outfit, "I can't take this crap anymore. You are acting like a rich classy man."

"That's not true!" Leon says picking his nose again, "I'm not rich at all! Ain't that right Alfred?"

"Yes, Master Bruce Wayne."

"Did you bring my Mongolian roast chicken?"

"Yes, Master Bruce Wayne," Alfred says, "And would you like me to kiss your ass as well?"

Leon finishes the chicken, "Oh, yeah, sure! Go ahead. It always reminds me how goddamn rich and stuck-up I am. And that I'm a frickin' billionaire with enough money to buy anything but doesn't care about the starving children."

Ashley then approaches him and slaps him down. And then reverses that shit, "Who are you talking too!"

"Alfred the butler."

"Let's go!"

"Too the Leon mobile!"

Just then, they are driving down the road with music from the T.V.'s show batman playing in the background. Leon decides that this is a good time to hit on Ashley. Not just to know her better but to also get her in the sack. "Git R Done!"

"What?"

"Nothing I didn't say anything. So, have you ever been to any other countries besides Spain?"

Ashley nods her head, "Nope, I was too busy partying, getting wasted and starring in all the Girls Gone Wild recordings."

Leon grins and looks up like a wise man, "So, that was you?"

**Flashback:**

A man shouts in the loudest, craziest voice you readers are never going to hear for the rest of your lives. "Welcome to Leon's Girls Gone Wild video. Here all the girls go crazy as hell. They take it off and- Oh my God- Look at those !bleep! Watch her lick her !bleep! And her own !bleep! And this is your Grandma taking it off and- Oh !bleep! I can't see anymore! The horror of your grandma! I'm blinded I can see a light now!bleep!bleep! Holy Mother of crap!

**End Flashback:**

"So, Leon. Have you visited any countries besides Spain?"

"Yeah, I've been to Africa.

**Flashback:**

Leon is huddled in a ball crying as everyone walks by him, "Everybody is hung like a whale but me!"

**End Flashback:**

"And then I visited china."

**Flashback:**

Leon is huddled in a ball crying as everyone walks by him, "Everybody is hung like a shrimp but me!"

**End Flashback:**

Leon is driving the car now crying his head off, "The Chinese were just so damn huge! Wah!"

"Leon! We're going to crash!"

They crash into a tree.

Leon gets out and they are in front of the Tool Shed of DOOM where Leon will fight Bitores Munchies.

"Stay here, Ashley." Leon commands, "I have to finish this once and for all."

He walks into the Tool Shed of DOOM and waits. For some odd reason he decides to turn around. And there is gay ole' Munchies looking at him.

Before even touching him Munchies talk, "Let's keep this ESRB rated M for Mature. I don't want Hilary Clinton to find out of the sex mini game and cause controversy on this and get it rated Adults Only like Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas."

"We have a sex mini game? Cool! About time Capcom put something good in besides the infinite rocket launcher. Finish the game by killing everyone with a bazooka. What kind of crap is that. But, hey! Sex mini game! That's a crazy as the time when I went to buy condoms at that rich people store."

**Flashback:**

Leon is looking at condoms through a glass case, "I'll take that one," he says pointing to a silver colored one.

The manager takes it out and hands it to him, "There is a dressing room in the back."

Leon comes back a few minutes later, "Can I add to this?"

"Sure what would you like?" The manager says.

Leon shows him the condom, "I want you to engrave in 24K gold, 'YOU WILL FEEL THE BURN FROM YOUR GOD, LEON!'"

"I'm sorry, sir. But we can only add three letters. Example, L.S.K. for Leon Scott Kennedy."

Leon is angered by this, "You cheap bastards. Fine, have those initials put on."

"Very well. And your total of one disposable silver condom with gold letters comes tothirty thousand dollars."

"Oh wow, that's a good price. Usually, I pay about a dollar for the gas station ones."

**End Flashback:**

Bitores ignores him and uses his Star Wars force push and knocks Leon across the room.

Leon gets up and does his Star Wars force kill. Bitores Munchies dies and Leon collects the 1 peseta from him and leaves to find Ashley getting wasted with the gun dealer.

"Let's go Ashley, we can have our orgy later with the dealer."

"Alright. Where to?" Ashley asks.

"Too the castle! I have to finish this once and for all."

Ashley nods her head, "No you won't. I just read about the Resident Evil 5 game on the internet. You can't, it's not in the games programming."

"Damn! Too the Leon chopper!"

**I'll have more as soon as possible. And when I say soon I hope I don't mean three months later. Enjoy yourself! I'm out.**


End file.
